There’s a new 2023 edition of Clue, and for reasons we can’t explain, everybody is really sexy now. Publisher Hasbro made plenty of style changes to give the 1940s murder mystery board game a more modern feel, including a sleek new visual style and updated job titles for its party of playable suspects. It’s super important that Clue’s cast is now more diverse and current. But we also can’t stop thinking about how attractive everyone is.
Wargamer has taken on the important task of ranking the new Clue characters based on how much we want to date them. It’s an important job, but somebody has got to do it. We think our knowledge of the best board games (in particular, the best murder mystery games and sex board games) gives us plenty of authority on which killer would be the best kisser. We might not be the best people to get the Glass Onion ending explained, but this we can definitely do.
In reverse order, here are the hottest playable characters from the new Clue board game:
Mayor Green has shed the clerical collar he wore in previous editions of Clue. He’s now a snappy dresser, with immaculate hair and a well-cut suit. He’s also, in our opinion, the blandest choice, the white bread option in our beau bakery. If he were a cheese, he’d be pre-grated mild cheddar (and subsequently left in the supermarket). Plus his verdant outfit makes him look like a giant walking dollar bill. The Patrick Bateman look is a bit of a turn-off.
Professor Plum is adorable, let’s make that clear. He’s got the smart dress sense of a serious academic, but he’s rolled up those sleeves to show you that, deep down, he’s a really chill guy. The pencil behind his ear is endearing as hell, and we can see ourselves on a bookshop-turned-coffee-spot date with this man. The reason he’s ranked so low is that, while he’s peak boyfriend material, there’s no danger about him to add that extra allure we crave.
Solicitor Peacock has a new job, and she’s doing her best to make legal advice look enticing. The navy suit screams ‘power’ (and we love powerful women), while the blouse underneath lets you know that she’s not ‘all work and no play’. Peacock is a stunner with a serious career, both of which appeal to the single-and-ready-to-mingle. She’s our mid choice at the end of the day, though. Something about her hair tells us we’re in for a high-maintenance fling.
Colonel Mustard has uncovered our secret love for rugged older men. Hugh Jackman is still stealing hearts at 54, after all, and it looks like Mustard is ready to give him a run for his money. His broad shoulders, piercing eyes, and impeccable moustache are enough to make anybody swoon. ‘Daddy’ is a word that makes us cringe on a normal day, but we might just have to make an exception for the new Colonel Mustard.
Chef White’s shaved head and Doc Martens look really makes us sweat. Plenty of next-generation Clue players will take one look at her and have a queer awakening, a sudden desire for a goth girlfriend, or both of the above. We’re also enamoured by the intensity of her stare. This is a chef who can take the heat in the kitchen, and you can bet she brings that energy to date night.
We thought long and hard about whether to give Miss Scarlett the top spot. On the one hand, she’s the obvious choice, with a history as the game’s infamous scarlet woman. Surely it’s time to give someone new the crown of ultimate Clue hottie?
But on the other hand, look at her. She’s given her sex symbol status a whole new spin. The signature red dress now hangs off the shoulder seductively, with bright red hair and hoops pulling the whole look together. She’s the queen of the perfect pout, and she remains queen of our hearts.