It’s Valentine’s Day, a time to celebrate the people we love and contemplate romance in all its forms. A perfect excuse for the Warhammer 40k lore experts at Wargamer to definitively answer the question: which Space Marine Primarch would be the best at doing sex?
Because the Space Marine Primarchs already have numbers, instead of listing them in rank order we’ve given each Primarch a score using our patented Warhammer 40k sexpertise scale. Primarchs corrupted by the Warhammer 40k Chaos gods receive scores before and after their corruption.
So in the order that the Emperor of Mankind made them, here’s how good each Space Marine Primarch would be as a lover:
1. Lion El’Jonson – He’s got the looks, the moves, and the knowledge, but he’s just too closed off and suspicious to really get into the groove. Seems like a 9/10 from a distance, but when it comes down to it he’s a 6/10 at best.
2. Lost primarch – Who knows! A man or woman of mystery.
3. Fulgrim – Before the fall to Chaos he’s drop dead gorgeous, peerlessly skilled, and knows exactly what to say: he should be a 10/10. The problem is that he really wants to be a 10/10, which isn’t sexy, so he’s capped at 9/10. After the fall to Slaanesh he’s a total narcissist, and all the chaos magic in the world won’t turn that into good sex: 2/10.
4. Perturabo – A stone top, utterly fixated on getting you off. Peerless mechanical skills and anatomical knowledge but very low empathy, and absolutely does not know when to quit if it’s not going to happen. 7/10, dropping to 4/10 after he falls to Chaos: his temper gets nasty.
5. Jaghatai Khan – With a carefree attitude, the Khan actually knows how to enjoy himself. He also has by far the least mental health problems of any of the primarchs, but not in a way that makes him boring. Fantastic lover, 10/10.
6. Leman Russ – Big appetite, likes to indulge, looks like a himbo but is actually a jock. A literal carpet of chest hair if that’s something you want to snuggle in. That might sound great, but if things don’t go his way he turns into a sullen little idiot. 7/10
7. Rogal Dorn – We’ll skip the fisting jokes. A surprisingly homely lover who just wants to make a love nest. Dependable, if a little inflexible. 7/10.
8. Konrad Curze – Before the fall to Chaos, Curze is a high protocol dominant with a fragile ego. 8/10 if you want total lifestyle submission, otherwise a very unhealthy 5/10. 0/10 after the fall to Chaos – you will be flayed alive.
9. Sanguinius – So good you almost want to hate him, except he’s too good for that. 10/10
10. Ferrus Manus – Two weeks of the best, angriest sex you’ve ever had, followed by a blazing argument and never speaking to each other again. On balance you’d probably do it again. 7/10.
11. Another lost primarch. We can only speculate.
12. Angron – Before the fall to Chaos he has problems finishing, which would be fine if he didn’t get so damn angry about it: 4/10. After the fall to Chaos, negative numbers – he’d rather take skulls than give head.
13. Roboute Guilliman – Yeah, yeah, he’s the “vanilla one”. What you’re forgetting is that Ultramar is space Rome, and Romans were utter freaks. The most debauched sex of your life, spoiled only by the fact he blogs about it in great detail afterwards. 8/10.
14. Mortarion – A bit too serious for his own good before the fall to Chaos, but no-one can match him for stamina, and he will put his mouth literally anywhere. 8/10. After the fall to Chaos, he’s a walking STD – negative numbers.
15. Magnus the Red – Somehow knows what to do before you even ask for it, which would be divine if he wasn’t so proud of himself: 8/10. After the fall to Chaos he’s even more adaptable, but it’s obvious that his mind is somewhere else: 5/10.
16. Horus Lupercal – You know what they say about bald men. Before the fall to Chaos he will blow your mind while charming you entirely and making it seem effortless: 10/10. After the fall to Chaos he completely loses interest, and will make you explode if you touch him: 0/10.
17. Lorgar Aurelian – Super into tantra and group stuff, smells really good, has problems with confidence. 8/10 if that’s your kind of thing. After the fall to Chaos, expect to be sacrificed. 0/10.
18. Vulkan – A man with a big heart and a bigger hammer. Absolutely peerless emotional connection, but don’t expect anything spicy from him. 9/10 if you like vanilla sex, 4/10 if you’re a kinkster.
19. Corvus Corax – Knows how to hit the spot with laser precision, never does it with the lights on, and will always slip out before breakfast. 10/10 if you just need to scratch an itch, 3/10 if you enjoy pillow talk.
20. Alpharius and Omegon – Twins who do everything together. You know if that’s something you want, you dirty dog. No score from us – look into your own soul.
Want more ridiculous content from Wargamer? Check out Wargamer’s April Fools Day back catalogue, or the time we ranked the sex appeal of the surprisingly hot new Clue board game characters.
We’ve also taken the time to evaluate lots of games that might be just right for Valentine’s Day: the best couples board games, plus the spiciest sex board games, sex card games, and sex dice games!